October 25th.

October 25th, 2016.

8,760 hours. 365 days. Twelve months. One year.

It has been exactly one year since my life changed forever. Exactly one year since I was forced to embark on a journey to find myself again.

Exactly one year since I was raped by a man who lost himself somewhere along the path.

To be completely honest, today is hard for me. This entire month hasn’t been easy. Inexplicably my subconscious has brought back every emotion I’ve felt in the past twelve months. I’ve had vivid nightmares that bring me back to the night my world was shaken. My PTSD has slightly resurfaced.

But all that means is that I’m still healing. Still growing, still learning. Still living.

There have been times this month when I’ve felt trapped inside the same bubble I was trapped in eight months ago. But the difference between now and eight months ago? The bubble always pops. The flashbacks come and go but my happiness is able to return.

I let myself fall a little bit apart this month, I am letting myself fall a little bit apart today. But that doesn’t mean I won’t pick up every last piece and rebuild myself back up to the person I am proud to be. The person who is so incredibly thankful for everything I have, the person who vows to never lose sight of what makes life remarkable.

I am so blessed. I feel like the luckiest person alive.

Yes I am a victim of something terrible. Yes, I am a rape victim. But that doesn’t define who I am. Today doesn’t define me. And it never will.

Today is a day full of reflecting for me. I haven’t forgotten any of the things I wrote below six months ago. I want to take the time to once again thank everyone in my life. You still inspire me every day. I’m so fortunate to have all of you.

If my attacker could see where I am today, he would see that people like him will never win. People like my attacker have no backbone, no support system, no love to guide them.

Every day I wake up and remind myself how amazing it is to be right where I am. How lucky I am to have my health, my family, my friends, my dogs, my life. My life is beautiful and it is the people and moments in it that make it so.

We all go through things that change us, it’s the way in which we let those things define us that truly matters.

This is probably the last time I will update this blog. I will continue to ‘let life give.’

 

October 25th, 2015.

(Posted April 28th, 2016)

The date that haunts me to this day. The mention of it sends chills down my spine and leaves me speechless.

What started out as a fun night with my friends turned into a night that changed my life forever. I was being a normal college kid, enjoying the night with my best friends.  At around 1 A.M., something horrible happened with a gravity that is merely impossible to put into words. On October 25th, my world was turned upside down.

 

“Can I crash at your place please?”

 

That is one of the last texts I sent one of my closest teammates that night. I was planning to walk back to her house to get some sleep because I was pretty tired, something I’d done a few times. Her house was about 12 houses down the street from the party. No one was looking to leave so I decided to quickly walk back on my own, something my teammates and I had done countless times through the years. I felt safe. Nothing bad had ever happened to anyone. We should feel safe on a college campus, right?

I started my walk around 12:30 A.M. What ensued next is something I’ve never fully opened up about. On a typical Saturday night, there’s a constant flow of students walking places, no matter what the hour. At this exact moment, however, I was the only one on the street. It had an eerie feeling to it. I thought nothing of it at the time. There was a steady rain and the air was crisp. Leaves covered the sidewalks.

I was about halfway to my teammate’s house when I heard the sudden sound of lofty footsteps behind me.

Before I could turn around, I felt two large hands forcefully grab my waist. I tried to scream but he put a hand over my mouth, dragging me into a dark area of bushes and trees between two houses. My attacker was a middle-aged man with a black hoodie over his head. I never got a good enough view of his face; the thing I remember most is the way he smelled. He flashed me and groped me, then proceeded to force me on the ground while making disturbing comments. He told me he would kill me if I didn’t let him do what he wanted. I was struggling to break free from him but I was terrified he would actually kill me if I tried to get away. After what felt like an eternity, it ended. The type of ending no one should ever have to experience. An ending with a silence so loud it shook the Earth. In the same amount of time it took him to grab me, he was gone. I managed to get away.

I was in absolute shock. I was disoriented. I didn’t know where I was because I had run through the pouring rain from my attacker. I called my teammate who came to find me. When we found each other she held me for a few seconds. I will never forget that moment.

 

On October 25, 2015, I was raped by a complete stranger.

 

It’s been six months since my attack. I’d be lying if I didn’t say these have been the hardest six months of my life. However, I’m finally ready to talk about it. I’ve found happiness again. Day by day, I am returning back to my old self. I can feel it, I have a newfound appreciation for everything in my life. Many of my perspectives on life have changed and I have learned things I will carry with me forever. Someday I want to be able to help people who have experienced similar situations. But today, I am simply going to share my thoughts and some powerful things that have stuck with me with the hopes that they will resonate for others. This is my story.

 

NUMB.

 

Months of darkness and self-doubt.

For months, I didn’t feel anything. I felt numb. I would wake up and just go through the motions. There were days that went by and I had no idea what I was doing with myself.  I went to class, practice, managed to get my work done. If you asked me how I was able to do these things, I don’t think I could give an answer. I used to tell myself, “Fake it till you make it.” I thought ignoring my looming problems would somehow make them disappear.

There was a span of months that I’ll admit I was in a very dark spot.  Never in a million years did I think I would be depressed. It was impossible to convince myself that I was worth it, that I was still the same person I’ve always been. Not your typical depression. An indescribable depression. One that kept me moving, doing everything I’d always done, forced me to seem okay on the outside when everything was falling apart inside of me. Everything about me felt different; I felt foreign, dirty, disgusting. It was out-of-body. I hated myself, I hated my body. Every part of me reminded me of the night, it reminded me of him.

I’d forgotten what made me happy, but at the same time I had become more aware of every beautiful thing in my life.

Flashbacks.

I couldn’t let go of what happened to me. I distanced myself from my family and friends. My attacker was constantly lurking in my mind the same way he creeped the street that night. I may have managed to get away that night but I still felt like I was never going to escape him. I was terrified that he was going to define me. He appeared in many ways. I developed PTSD and severe anxiety. There were places and situations that triggered full-blown anxiety attacks, leaving me surrounded with what felt like a dark cloud, violently trembling from head to toe and unable to breathe. I was afraid to sleep because he would revisit me in nightmares so vivid that I felt like I was reliving the whole thing.

The hardest part about the anxiety attacks is that people had to see me in such a vulnerable state. My best friends had to hold me while I shook and freaked out about the safety of the people I loved, a fear that had become a crushing aspect of my daily life. I formed a temporary negative outlook on the world. The world I once viewed as beautiful became one filled with danger and sick people like my attacker. I convinced myself I was a burden to everyone and seeking help was weak.

The things that used to give me joy became nothing but enigmas. I hid my pain from the closest people to me because I didn’t want them to experience any sadness over something I felt I had caused. I didn’t want anyone but me to hurt, the weight of my trauma was only supposed to rest on my shoulders. The guilt swallowed me whole. I made the decision to walk alone that night. It was my decision that caused everything.

I believed it was my fault.

It was hard to live with the fact that I had caused the people who were there for me through hell and back any sadness or pain themselves. All I cared about was the happiness of my friends and family, not my own. I didn’t think anyone would understand me. I failed to recognize the wonderful people who wanted to help. I felt completely alone.

I’m going to be honest, I contemplated suicide. Not because I was ungrateful for the remarkable opportunities I’ve been given, but because I didn’t know if I could ever be Kathy Rudkin again. The Kathy Rudkin that approached everyday with a great attitude and confidence, who could get through little bumps and move on almost immediately. I could never follow through with it though, because the minute negative thoughts came over me I thought about the people in my life. I thought about my loving parents, my beautiful sister, my friends, and the great group of coaches and teammates who greeted me with a smile every day no matter how down I looked. I reminded myself of how lucky I am to be blessed by the presence of some of the most extraordinary people on Earth. I reminded myself that storms pass, and that the worst days make it possible for the most amazing days to happen.

I will not let what happened define me. In fact, I will strive to live a life even fuller than I had before I was raped.

 

Here it is.

 

Throughout my journey, I have learned many things about myself. I have done my best to take the good out of my near death experience. My parents have always told me to make the most out of every situation. When life hands us struggles, we can still find the light.

The reality of it all is that there are always going to be horrible people in the world, people who have lost themselves. I feel sorry for those people, I feel sorry for my attacker. Those people will never know what it’s like to love and be loved, what it’s like to find happiness in all things that are good. Yes, there are terrible people out there. But every day I am reminded of just how much they are outnumbered by the droves of brilliant awe-inspiring people across the world. All I have to do is look around me.  If I could take back my decision to walk alone that night, I would. But I can’t, so instead I’ve embarked on a path to find myself again, to better myself and help others. I have 5 main things I will never let go of.

 

1. Do not take a single thing for granted.

You probably get this all time. From parents, teachers, coaches. However, I never truly understood the weight of this statement until now. Life can change in the blink of an eye. People all over the world are stripped of their love, opportunities, health, and lives every day. Take a second to think about everything and everyone you have in your life. Show them how much they mean to you. You can never tell someone you love them enough.

Following my attack, I used to feel sorry for myself. I used to ask myself, “Why me?” Now what I do my best to focus on is how lucky I am to be alive. How lucky I am to wake up every day with my health, my family, my friends, and the ability to do what I love. We have all been put on this Earth for a reason. We must make the most of our reason. We must appreciate everything we have with the knowledge that it can be taken from us at any moment.

 

2. Life is about choices.

A few weeks ago, I read a powerful article about pro surfer Mick Fanning. Fanning was attacked by a great white shark during a competition and nearly stared death in the face. Instead of letting such a traumatic experience ruin his passion, Fanning returned to the water 6 days later. This article hit home for me. It emphasized the power of choice. We have the power to choose what we assign meaning to. I have the power to choose how I respond to my assault. I can let it bring me down and give up on myself, but that would be letting my attacker win. I must choose to move on and create an amazing life for myself and leave a positive impact on those in it. I am constantly inspired by the people in my life who emulate the power of choice.

The incredible thing about human potential is that it is truly unlimited. With choice, we can do whatever we put our minds to.

3. Love conquers all.

I guess this one kind of speaks for itself. This might be one of the most important statements in my life. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the constant love and support from the people closest to me. When someone you know is going through a tough time, you don’t have to understand it. The only thing you can do is show them you always have their back, show them you love them no matter what.

I want to thank my family for loving me through everything, for loving me even when I didn’t love myself. To my sister, you’re my best friend and always will be. Thank you for being the person I can lean on, cry with, laugh with, and talk about just about anything with. You inspire me day in and day out to become a better person. To my dad, thank you for being my rock. I don’t know anyone more devoted to their family than you. You always know what to say. To my mom, thanks for simply being you. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to be one of the strongest women on the planet. Your kind and loving words will always keep me determined.

I’m a Division 1 college athlete on one of the best women’s lacrosse teams in the country. I can say with 100% certainty that there is no bond quite like one of a team. Perhaps my biggest inspirations through the past six months have been my coaches and teammates. Every single one of you has shown me what it means to work your ass off. You never falter in the face of adversity, you’ve shown me what the real meaning of a team is. We get to share some of the best moments of our lives together. You may not know it, but you have had such an enormous impact on my healing. Just by being the incredible people you are. I can’t wait to see where your lives take you. Thank you for never giving up on me and showing me you believe in me, even when it seemed like I may have given up on myself. There is no other team I would rather spend everyday with, no better people to play the game I love with. What happened to me has had a positive impact on my relationship with all of you. It’s brought me closer to you, and that is something I will forever be thankful for.

4. The power of you. 

I am in awe of how much power the human brain has. We can overcome SO many things by simply shifting our attitudes about things. Nothing can define you if you don’t want it to. You let things define you. We all have unique traits that make us resilient. At the end of the day, you are in control of your own happiness. Don’t succumb to the problems of today that will be motivation tomorrow.

You are powerful beyond belief.

 

5. Let life give to you. 

This one might sound kind of confusing. How can life give to you? Aren’t we supposed to give everything to life? No. It turns out we’re giving to our lives without even trying. We are constanly worrying about things: what people think about us, that essay we have to rush to get finished before 10 A.M., how much playing time we’re getting, why we aren’t getting what we want.

About a month ago, I had a really long phone call with my mom. It was a great call, I opened up to her about things I had been feeling. She told me something I will never forget, “Let life give to you. You’ve been working so hard your whole life to get something out of it. It’s life’s turn to give back to you.”

This is how I interpreted that. We are always stressing over the things we can’t control. Sometimes we stress so much that it spills over into the things we love. It can make the things we love not fun anymore. But the irony of it all is that we are doing things for that one reason: because we love them. Why do something if you’re not loving every single moment of it? Enjoy the process.

I could go on to say “life is short, make it last.” But no, instead I will acknowledge the fact that life is long. It’s supposed to be long. Life is also hard. It’s supposed to be hard, it challenges us to become something bigger than we were yesterday. It has its ups and downs. We strive to be perfect and happy everyday. The reality is that the downs are necessary and vital to making us who we are. The downs contribute to the threads of our being, everything we are and everything we do. That’s the beauty of life.

Let your passions give to you. Take a step back and let the things you love provide you with nothing but happiness. Let life give to you.